Can’t sleep. Keep crying. Fuck. So lonely. Why do I feel the world’s insecurities crash down on me right now. It’s the worst feeling. Plus nausea.
When I get insecure it becomes really hard to keep being human. Everything becomes harder and every memory is horribly painful. I’m so sensitive to everything right now.
I keep trying to meditate on a beautiful vista before sleep but the tears are uncontrollable.
I’m either shedding something really painful and unecessary to my soul or its just an extra boost of emotions today.
I just can’t right now.. I can’t. . I need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me it’s alright. I can’t breathe, my chest is heaving through tears. I can’t deal with these emotions. I can’t do it alone.
Haven’t been artsy enough so tonight I played around from scratch again
When I heard the words “the future is clear. It’s going to fall apart.” I felt a strange reassurance.
Perfection and order are things beyond our control. So why worry about the future so much?
Things will fall into place just as they need to, in their own timing. The world will probably fall into chaos but it’s a necessary cycle in our evolution. And I don’t even see it as a bad thing.. it means things are progressing.
Just as much as we try to control our choices or our children, or the government tries to control their population, there are elements in the chemistry that will always leave room for playful revolutionary expression.
oh and the quote was from Hayao Miyazaki talking about the end of studio ghibli. Yet i felt a deep and personal undertone to his message.
Reanimate the soul inside
Sometimes I need a little peace
When I’ve pushed myself so much
And when I expect so much from myself
In a time in my life where big changes are happening
From comfort to the busy schedule
I can probably adapt
But I don’t want to adopt wrinkles so early in my youth
I don’t want to become an edgy person
Because I enjoy peace so much
Yet i’m highly ambitious
I want to buy my first car
I want to move out into my first apartment
All within a few months
I have debts to pay since my awesome USA adventure
I have friends asking me to move in with them when I’m primarily a solitary person
I have an overly attached mother who triggers anxiety in me which I only realized a week ago
I also find it hard to unburden my thoughts on her since she probably doesn’t want to hear about me moving out
My work load has quadrupled to six days a week, so I don’t get much time to my normal relaxed routine to unwind. Or much creative thought.
This isn’t so much of a complaint (because I chose these conditions) as it is a cry to be heard because it’s such a weird time of one’s life. And it’s just blah in my mind right now. Blah. I just sit on the ground and shut my eyes.
But I’m really grateful for supportive friends; light-hearted souls at work who help elevate the monotony; a surplus of money so at least money is not an issue right now; and an adored soul in Texas who I welcome into my life. Great challenges to integrate but it’s all going to work out.
Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
You’re alive. That means you have infinite potential. You can do anything, make anything, dream anything. If you change the world, the world will change.
The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.
Today I am happy to be me. I also got lyrical and musical which was a nice Aries moon surprise. I feel so playful!
My emotions have been heavy lately and i do feel things deeply. Weird anger and anxiety. But with the amazing feeling i have now, I wouldn’t give up natural emotional fluctuations for a stabilized neutral. Emotions are a response to the environment, why would I deny the truth around me?
Also I haven’t had weed in about a month (just didnt have any and didnt really think about it) so it’s tested my raw ability to focus on my self expression. The effort it took to pull through completely soberly feels much more amazing than the ease at which expression occurs under the influence. Man oh man. Feels good!
And singing is a great outlet for me it seems! I rapped for the first time walking into my room and I sat down and smiled that I accomplished something so bizarrely new to me. My mind elements are fusing naturally. Creativity given lyrical direction. My mind has been embracing more of the masculine to complement my existing flowy feminine. Hence using the power of words which isn’t a strength usually.
Sometimes I think it’s all a matter of belief and passion. If I’m in tune with my truth and however it wants to come out, more often than not, it will shine.
Perhaps the most “spiritual” thing any of us can do is simply to look through our own eyes, see with eyes of wholeness, and act with integrity and kindness