I just want to be raw, real and selfless with people. Honest, emotional, vulnerable and ALIVE!

Pretending has made me suffer and made me selfish in trying to maintain an image. What for? To protect my relations. Out of fear? How absurd.

I am alone, but also not so. Because aloneness means self liberation from the tangles and illusions of separateness. I am not alone if I am happy wherever I go and whoever I meet. Happy for being in control and being accountable for my choices.

Alone means doing what you want. Being firm and clear in your intentions. And setting the stage for what you do and don’t want to appear in your life. Not out of spite for the bad, or dependence on the good - you are just free from both affecting you adversely.

Freedom of a balance within oneself.

Tahoe National Forest. My first proper solo drive in ‘murica with only a faint clue as to where I was going. It was simple, yet great!

California is beautiful. Finally rented a car for the weekend! Driving alongside pines is relaxing..mmmf

I twisted the love, realized it was selfish.
So I sought to learn to love every person for who they are, not what they can give me. To help and guide people however I can.

It does make me sad to feel that I’ve ‘lost’ love, something that is culturally embedded into us to find. And it’s not really love if it doesn’t set each person free, right?

So now I know exactly how to share love. What I lost, was simply the illusion.

" Don’t be afraid
Open your mouth and say
Say what your soul sings to you

Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
And so make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you

And when you do
You’ll find the one you love is you
You’ll find you
Love you “

- Massive Attack, ‘What Your Soul Sings’

I’ve been carrying that feeling of wanting to accelerate, or flooring the metaphorical gas pedal, knowing I can do so and have the power. But I’m sitting idle instead. It’s like I’m building up all this momentum to POUNCE.

Negative energy warning. Personal vent. I also can’t use the “read more” option with my phone, but I would.

Feeling dragged, bored and gloomy. My soul feels depressed because I’m not learning, I’m not nourishing it with activities suited to my interests, I feel idle and I’m beginning to eat more because of the boredom of routine. I’m helping out at a ranch in Cali for 3 weeks with a friend (wwoofing). Im in week 1 and it feels like it’s been the longest week, every day is 6am-10pm. Not all work in between but it’s just the long days in the heat get me. I’m not sure how long I can spend my time like this, this routine is too repetitive and taxing on my energy levels. I don’t like that it’s taking so much time out of my USA trip, but I did choose this, somewhat reluctantly. When you do things with other people there will always be a compromise. A ranch would not be my first choice.

Energy leaks when you resist a task.

I’d like to explore freely. I’m getting agitated, moody, spiteful, aloof, and careless. Yesterday I went a bit loopy.

I overeat so I feel heavy and sluggish, complementing my attitude of giving up with all this routine of things I don’t necessarily care about. And all this moodiness is making me less motivated to even enjoy relaxing off-time. Such as reading about things I am interested in, or drawing or researching or pursuing mysteries of the world. There’s no inspiration. Context is really important. I need to surround myself in a supporting environment with supportive people. I still very much appreciate what my experience of wwoofing did in Idaho. Happy, healthy people with spiritual principles and purpose and a vision that cuts through all this bullshit. I’m a sensitive person, and I only amplify what energies are around me. I loved talking and laughing and smoking pot and doing work around sustainability. I loved the hiking too. Hmm, I know I’m complaining but I just feel glum. It’s temporary, I know. And I have been really disinterested in talking to friends, giving off gloomy/ depressing vibes. It makes sense. I know why I’m like this and what I need to do. Which is to fully align my interests with my activities. To wait another two weeks like this is nuts. Agh.

I have however realized how much I want to focus on the things I do care about. It makes sense to realize this when you’ve been deprived of it. I’ve had brief spurts of ideas and motivations, but no supporting foundation to do so.

lol I’m a sad sack of human x) temporarily