I’ve been carrying that feeling of wanting to accelerate, or flooring the metaphorical gas pedal, knowing I can do so and have the power. But I’m sitting idle instead. It’s like I’m building up all this momentum to POUNCE.

Negative energy warning. Personal vent. I also can’t use the “read more” option with my phone, but I would.

Feeling dragged, bored and gloomy. My soul feels depressed because I’m not learning, I’m not nourishing it with activities suited to my interests, I feel idle and I’m beginning to eat more because of the boredom of routine. I’m helping out at a ranch in Cali for 3 weeks with a friend (wwoofing). Im in week 1 and it feels like it’s been the longest week, every day is 6am-10pm. Not all work in between but it’s just the long days in the heat get me. I’m not sure how long I can spend my time like this, this routine is too repetitive and taxing on my energy levels. I don’t like that it’s taking so much time out of my USA trip, but I did choose this, somewhat reluctantly. When you do things with other people there will always be a compromise. A ranch would not be my first choice.

Energy leaks when you resist a task.

I’d like to explore freely. I’m getting agitated, moody, spiteful, aloof, and careless. Yesterday I went a bit loopy.

I overeat so I feel heavy and sluggish, complementing my attitude of giving up with all this routine of things I don’t necessarily care about. And all this moodiness is making me less motivated to even enjoy relaxing off-time. Such as reading about things I am interested in, or drawing or researching or pursuing mysteries of the world. There’s no inspiration. Context is really important. I need to surround myself in a supporting environment with supportive people. I still very much appreciate what my experience of wwoofing did in Idaho. Happy, healthy people with spiritual principles and purpose and a vision that cuts through all this bullshit. I’m a sensitive person, and I only amplify what energies are around me. I loved talking and laughing and smoking pot and doing work around sustainability. I loved the hiking too. Hmm, I know I’m complaining but I just feel glum. It’s temporary, I know. And I have been really disinterested in talking to friends, giving off gloomy/ depressing vibes. It makes sense. I know why I’m like this and what I need to do. Which is to fully align my interests with my activities. To wait another two weeks like this is nuts. Agh.

I have however realized how much I want to focus on the things I do care about. It makes sense to realize this when you’ve been deprived of it. I’ve had brief spurts of ideas and motivations, but no supporting foundation to do so.

lol I’m a sad sack of human x) temporarily

Heh. I spend so much time being a different person around people, absorbing how others act to reflect it back. Because my natural state is too peaceful, quiet and content. And my interests are too extreme and outlandish that it doesn’t complement my quiet nature. I hold the reigns on myself because if I was outgoing, I’d be too controlling or judgmental or crass with people. I need a sense of humor to counteract that side of myself I keep hidden. I just don’t want to preach, but that’s what I would do if unrestrained and honest. And no one wants to hear about government agendas and secret societies and alien involvements and military technology and mind control and depopulation and reincarnation and multiple lives and metaphysics and environmental problems and living sustainably and off-grid and how to be more sensitive with animals and with other people and looking after ones health. That stuff would come spewing out. And that is why I’m so quiet. And that is why I’m just going to make my life happen. I see the solution, I go for it with patience. I don’t want to preach it.

I analyze so much! And psychoanalyze myself x)

I wrote this big emotional vent of how I’ve been struggling with my thoughts and feelings and the relations around me. Then I deleted it.

I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m very confused. I’m hurt. I’m free. I miss some people. I’ve met some bright positive people that revealed great things to me. I spent time around moody people and it also showed me aspects of myself I wish to work on.

That includes: focus and light heartedness. To see humor amidst the pain is a strong energy to have with you. I must transform myself in every act. It’s always a choice.

I feel like I want to cry, and I want to be close to someone to exchange and surrender my deepest thoughts. Or just bury my face in them for a moment. Not having that has made me detached somewhat. And yet possibly more responsible and self-reliant.

I’m still finding my path, whatever that is. I’ve been selfish too. So I want to help people if I can. Both focusing on what I want in life, and helping others is respecting myself and being kind. Kindness is the most valuable gift. I try to share it. I try despite my insecurities. I know each moment is temporary and builds upon the next realization.

I also know that I must do what I feel is right in my soul, and simply act upon it without delay. No more emotional leaks through overthinking, or energy leaks through distractions/ spending time around unaligned people. You just do that thing that makes sense and makes you happy and keep trying and trying.

Peace.

California photos. Near Tahoe national forest. We’re helping out on a horse ranch for a few weeks. I’ve never been so tired every day, haha. 6am-10pm everyday! I feel I barely have energy to read or relax, I’m just pooped! Early rises are nice.

The pic of the Arab and I, that’s a $50000 horse who belongs to Paris Hilton’s aunt. :P

Some more photos from Idaho. This was Ranch Fest. These guys :)) I had the best time with them! there were school buses scattered around the property

I miss Idaho already :))) sigh

Featured photos: hiking up Buttercup Mountain (elevation 9000ft), me at the peak, Ben (another wwoofer) at the peak, Ranch country music festival, picking flowers on another hike, flight over lake Washington in seattle on the way back from Idaho, and walking the goats and dogs in the empty fields. All that hiking and exploring was within the “backyard”.

While wwoofing in south Idaho, I tried some target shooting! I’m an introverted, peace loving and animal loving vegetarian, so hunting wasn’t my aim, but I had to get over my fear + curiosity of guns. Turned out to be a lot of fun! Gotta respect and take responsibility for such tools of destruction. :)