I just want to be raw, real and selfless with people. Honest, emotional, vulnerable and ALIVE!
Pretending has made me suffer and made me selfish in trying to maintain an image. What for? To protect my relations. Out of fear? How absurd.
I am alone, but also not so. Because aloneness means self liberation from the tangles and illusions of separateness. I am not alone if I am happy wherever I go and whoever I meet. Happy for being in control and being accountable for my choices.
Alone means doing what you want. Being firm and clear in your intentions. And setting the stage for what you do and don’t want to appear in your life. Not out of spite for the bad, or dependence on the good - you are just free from both affecting you adversely.
Freedom of a balance within oneself.
I twisted the love, realized it was selfish.
So I sought to learn to love every person for who they are, not what they can give me. To help and guide people however I can.
It does make me sad to feel that I’ve ‘lost’ love, something that is culturally embedded into us to find. And it’s not really love if it doesn’t set each person free, right?
So now I know exactly how to share love. What I lost, was simply the illusion.
We are energy, we have life-force, and we must learn to navigate our own energy without leeching anyone else’s.
We must respect the individual property of free will, it is not ours to govern. If we try to bend another’s to our will through expectation or manipulation, we are attaching energetic hooks in them. Let them be free. Realize the hooks we generate are emotional and ego-based, and drag both self and other from true self-actualization. In other words, going against or controlling the natural flow of people entering and leaving your life will hinder both you and others.
You are on your own journey. Each is on their own journey.
Attune your awareness. Be free. Give love freely.
I feel like doing a regression but I don’t know if I’ll find something that will be too much to handle. I sense that my curiosity is best kept on a leash for me to carry out my tasks in this life effectively. I think DMT has such a similar potent effect to unlock the history of the soul. Is it something best left alone? Do I want to know the secrets? Should I discover it myself in my own way with the freedom and happiness I have? I may lose myself to depression or insanity if I do this, who knows. Or is that just the fear of losing my attachment to this life, this body?
I’ve had events and thoughts that have made me think about whether I’m not supposed to get close to people, romantically and generally. Is there a soul block there. I don’t know. I feel like I’m not meant to reproduce and have a normal life. I mean I could, but something deeper is telling me that’s only 50% fulfilling. Being of service to mankind is possibly the apex of my purpose and fulfillment.
Today is one of those “I feel like I can see outside of the matrix” days. The city feels weird today, observing people feels weird today, observing myself amongst all this feels weird. I’ve always been this way from a very young age, intuitively distanced and observant. I understand things in feeling so I feel different. I want to talk to someone about this. Something’s urging me to find whatever this is that I’m puzzled about, the answers almost there..
Hmm. I’m just having stupid thoughts. I’m free to do as I choose! Humans are free! Love is free! Whatever happens, happens! Love to liberate and joy to enrich each moment!
some interlucid thoughts
> Naked grooving to music is the best, I love home alone time. Running out of incense and candles. (This music) There is some great music out there that I’m still discovering through bandcamp and soundcloud.
< I feel like I’ve made myself less energetically available to sporadic energies. I know what energy I’d like to generate and explore, and I’m focused. Grounded and immersed in trance-like self-discovery. I feel the impact of concentrating on my own intuitions/thoughts versus how the energy of creation slows down when I spend time with others, or with the ideas of others. The inner world accelerates rapidly when patiently focusing on self creation.
> I’ve been in my metaphysical zone, diving into the world of the enigmatic. Gained reading momentum again. Reading 10+ books at once, and reading intuitively, so allowing myself to feel ‘bored’ and for my intuition to signal ‘interest’ towards what information seems to resonate with me. (That is, I wont force myself to finish a book or I’ll drain my thought energy. I have to be receptive to fully integrate information. So it is healthy to put a book down without the obligation to finish it, even though you may go back to it anyway). The results of trusting that silent voice to pick up that seemingly random book have been interesting, because they’ve lead me to open pages to current and very relevant thought processes.
< Random observation; thinking about evolution lately and the history of the human genome. Studying the cro-magnon, neanderthal and other human types from this particular book (The mysterious origins of hybrid man). Some interesting new ideas and proof that challenge the linearity of human evolution. Human types co-existing and mingling rather than stemming from one another. Pygmy and giant skeletons unearthed around the world, suggesting more human intermingling. Cultural evidence of great flood and arrival of caucasian civilizations in boats on the shores of countries along the pacific ocean, before the age of european caucasians. Suggesting evidence of people from the sunken continent of ‘mu’.
> Also reading about a mans experience as a telekinetic/ telepathic soldier, trained on Mars to protect Earthlings from harmful beings. The content is interesting, but so is the regression and biofeedback mechanism used to uncover this clients information. The device measures electromagnetic resistance given off by humans. The human resistance can be as little as 5000 ohms, or 10000000 ohms (I didn’t know our energetic fields can be so powerful depending on our thoughts). Apparently, happy carefree states carry less electromagnetic resistance, as a drop in resistance indicates a realization in truth (dropping barriers). Higher resistance can feel ‘heavier’ and can be caused by hiding the truth, repressed memory, drugs, tiredness or pain in the body.
I do ponder the effects of my various states of emotion and the electric charge they carry. Do I sometimes feel others states? Do other people subliminally react to my charge?
The cleansing, deepening, ominously calming, enriching, sensual process of navigating your inner world silently. With closed eyes, you can truly feel.
I think energies leave auric memories in spaces. My cat has been outside for hours and yet I still felt her presence next to me where she slept just earlier. I kept wanting to snuggle her, realizing she’s not in that space right now. Must be the same for people that touch our hearts, the exchange creates an auric merging, and memory in our soul.
Your awakening is the unraveling flower that promotes surrounding flowers to show their own divine colours.
Things such as meditation, fostering self-love, psychoactive supplements, periods of long physical exertion, the occasional rude awakening, and merely being in the presence of a very loving friend or stranger - can monumentally reformat your inner world to invincible heights.
The absorption of energetic patterns between people
The most pivotal people in my life have been fire signs, with the exception of a few nurturing water and adventurous air signs. Sagittarians always encouraging my growth by focusing on my strengths, and challenging new ideas. An increase in productive, intellectual energy as well as absorbing a refreshing sense of honesty from these people. Leo’s harnessing of generosity and deep felt understanding allowed me to nourish my spiritual, and creative energy. The most co-operative and harmonious energy I’ve ever felt. And Aries souls commonly imparting me lessons in earthly love, sexual magnetism, a powerful immersion of love and acceptance, a welcoming embrace, allowing me to feel the depths of my soul. Increasing my practical roots energy and loving energy.
Such compassionate, humorous, forward-thinking/acting people! Fire signs have a warm, nourishing embrace. I feel much like warm water when around them :) My soul fosters an optimal, facilitative energetic environment for good vibes, ideas and creations. And LOVE!
Some days I feel I’m too sensitive to the worlds arguments, quarrels, the need to be right, the need to be known, shown, seen, proven. I just don’t want to argue :P Some days I just.. go into myself deeply and bask in that feeling of lovingness. I try and reach out, so others can feel and understand what you feel without the words, but there’s no sense in trying when all you have to do is energize what you want to feel, and if people come to you, let them come. If they don’t you haven’t lost anything, for you have gained peace. Peace begins right at the heart <3 Peace ripples outwards from honesty, integrity. There’s a magic in peacefulness.
The spontaneous meetings with people I feel an instant affinity or heart connection with, seem to be multiple twin flames in my life. The meetings stir a new programming of feeling - An electrifying, rapid flaring of the chakras, intertwined in a hypnotic dance of unconditional love, and instant understanding/ feeling each others souls. The mystifying exploration of two trusting souls provides a tremendous boost in consciousness, in loving, in living. I cannot emphasize how nourishing and rejuvenating the unconditional reciprocation is, and how it aids in the journey of the individual soul to remember their path and encourage their growth!
I’ve gained giant leaps in loving awareness through such meetings, and they seem to happen more rapidly, and more intensely than before. Each time I’ll get a boost of love, creativity, and life force. My skills and confidence flourish, and I can better heal myself, and be more loving with others.
Over the past few days… I’ve never felt anything like this. This is incredible! Like-minded souls are…a healing gift.
Sometimes my need to keep people happy is in itself selfish because I am not in control. That despair I feel is not real. The deeper I wander into my feeling, I find the trust I need to know that everything and everyone is on their own personal journey, and that I am also pursuing my own path passionately. And that this is real. I am love, loving, and leading myself. My aim is to focus on my path while supporting people if they need. So.. Let it go, don’t resist and hold on to an idea or you carry the pain. All is unfolding as it should! :)
Today I learned more about the spectrum of human behaviour when assisting an autistic customer. The things we do or say that come automatically, are a little different with autism. It’s fascinating. I had a bit of a ponder. I noticed a few factors of behaviour that stood out that exist within all of us, but weren’t blanketed with social programming:
> Eye contact. Some people forcibly maintain eye contact, but it can also be a sign of trust. For autism it seems overwhelming to do so for more than a second, perhaps more with strangers.
> Body language. A person with autism will walk away if overwhelmed, or not face you if uncomfortable. I know there are tonnes of situations I would love to just walk away from, but my obligation and guilt stop me from doing so.
> Small talk is non-existent. Where there’s no reason to force conversation, practical and honest responses come out. I love that. I also learned that being overly chatty will probably be frightening.
> Susceptibility to suggestion. I shortly realized that all my questions/statements were being agreed to, and that I had to ask more direct questions to explore the customers preference.
> Emotion. Generally low level of emotional expression, low variation in speech. I wonder how much of human expression is generally acting or mirroring other people’s emotion. Ponder.
> Honesty. No sarcasm, no bitterness, no pride, no over-reaching politeness. Communication was simple and direct. There was maybe a little anxiety.
My head’s still pondering the nature of a world that is over stimulating for someone who is very sensitive, and the innocence and freedom of expression not bound by external pressures as strongly.
There’s a healing power in music, in music festivals and concerts. It is because for one continuous moment, a group of people are all on the same wavelength. People feel together. They feel the same music traveling through their senses. There is a merging of heart-consciousness.